The U.S. Surgeon General recently released an advisory titled: “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” A couple of the key statements were: 1) that the loneliness epidemic is a major public health concern and 2) that social connection is vital to community health and success.
As I have asked around about lessons learned from the COVID-19 pandemic, one of the more frequent responses has been on the topic of “loneliness.” When we think about all the terms that have been used to describe what we experienced over the last three years – “isolation,” “lock-downs,” “quarantine,” and “remote learning” - it is not surprising that loneliness would be near the top of the list. Perhaps the problem has intensified in more recent times, but the idea of loneliness has been with us since creation, when God said “it is not good for the man to be alone …” (Genesis 2:18). Thankfully, the Scriptures tell us quite a lot about feelings of loneliness and how to deal with them.
What Does the Bible Say About Loneliness?
For starters, we see from the Scriptures that God, our Creator, intended for people to be together. There are over 35 “one anothers” in the New Testament and they are all about interaction with other people. A few familiar “one another” examples include: loving one another (John 13:34-35), caring for one another (1 Corinthians 12:25), serving one another (Galatians 5:13), being kind to one another (Ephesians 4:32), showing hospitality (1 Peter 4:9), and bearing one another’s burdens (Colossians 3:13). In Hebrews 10, we are even commanded to assemble together so that we may encourage one another (verse 25) and to “stimulate one another to love and good deeds” (verse 24). In other words, God intended for people to edify or build one another up in many different ways (Romans 15:2, Ephesians 4:29). This is to be a hallmark of the church. Sadly, church attendance has been steadily declining over the last 20 years, and it would not be surprising if this has contributed to the loneliness trend.
Many of the prophets and other biblical characters had feelings of loneliness, for example:
- Elijah (1 Kings 18:22 and 19:4) when he said “I alone am left” as a prophet of the Lord
- David when he was hiding from Saul in the cave (Psalm 142:4) and as he expressed in Psalm 25:16 (“I am afflicted and lonely”).
- The most-alone example of all, though, was experienced by Jesus Himself, who verbalized His separation from the Father with “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matthew 27:46, quoting Psalm 22:1).
There are many situations that can lead to a feeling of loneliness, for example, when a loved one dies, we can dearly miss them, and it is not unusual to feel lonely at times after their departure. When Paul met with the Ephesian elders in Miletus (Acts 20:17-38) it was a tearful, emotional departure – they were going to miss one another’s fellowship. We miss friends or family members when they move away. Sometimes leadership itself is lonely, to which many pastors can attest. While we may not be able to control these emotions, the danger is that we can let them control us if we’re not careful. And there is a temptation to revisit the past and feel sorry for oneself that social interaction is not what it once was. Thankfully, God gave us much instruction and hope for how to have victory even when the feelings of loneliness are very strong.
Victory Over Loneliness
It is important to note that someone can be alone but not lonely, and a person can also be surrounded by people and yet feel very lonely. Some people may be more alone than others because of their health, inability to physically get to church, lack of family nearby, or even bad relationships within the family. The Surgeon General’s prescription for loneliness is social interaction, and this is important. But the answer in the Scriptures goes deeper than that, particularly in cases where someone is unable to get out and socialize. It’s comforting to know that the number of people we are with need not be the determining factor of whether we experience loneliness or let it control us.
If you have taken the BCF Self-Confrontation course, you know that an important biblical principle of facing and dealing with the problems of life is to distinguish the “feeling level” problem from the “doing level.” Loneliness can be a very powerful feeling, but we don’t need to let it control our lives. The feeling of loneliness may be an unwelcome emotion, but we can still live a victorious Christian life despite whether feelings of loneliness persist.
A feeling of loneliness is like the oil light in the car - an indicator that we should check it out and evaluate the circumstances. The feeling itself is not sinful, but letting it control our lives would be. Understanding this is the key to victory over loneliness. For example, we may need to check out whether we are avoiding responsibilities because of it. Are we focusing more on the perceived unfairness of a situation or finding fault with others? Are we letting our mind drift into places it should not be going? Loneliness is similar to depression, fear, and worry: all of these can start off as feelings that can tempt us to have a sinful focus on self.
The world’s way of dealing with problems like this often focuses on trying to rid oneself of the bad feelings, sometimes even by taking medications that will “smash out” those feelings. God’s way is much more hopeful and enduring, even in difficult situations such as when someone is confined to bed or in a hospital for extended durations. Feeling lonely can be a good time to refocus our thoughts on the hope we have in Christ and on how to practice the “one anothers,” even in cases where we may be physically separated.
Dealing with loneliness is a wonderful opportunity for applying the practical “put offs” and “put ons” of Scripture. Colossians Chapter 3 is a great place to start. It is one of those passages that reminds us where our focus is not to be (i.e. what we are to put off) versus where our focus is to be (i.e. what we are to put on). There is a long list of “put-offs” in verses 5-9 and a long list of “put-ons” in verses 12-16. If you read down through these lists, the “put-offs” are all self-focused. The “put-ons” are focused on the Lord and others, and if we focus on the “put-ons,” we often don’t even have to think about the “put-offs.” In fact, victory over loneliness may not involve any “put-offs,” but rather almost a complete focus on “put-ons,” except perhaps when fractured relationships have led to isolation and the need for them to be restored.
The practical put-offs and put-ons of Colossians 3 are sandwiched between two verses about where our minds should be as we deal with loneliness. God tells us in verse 2:
“Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.”
Then in verse 16 we see:
“Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you.”
So how do we practice the put-ons for loneliness in practical terms? There is nothing magical or mystical about it. The list below represents some of the fundamentals of walking by faith in Christ.
- Start with the thought life. Make reading and memorizing Scripture a priority, and you can even ask a family member or friend to listen to your memory verses on a regular basis. Even start with a Chapter or section of a chapter, like Colossians 3.
- Listen to praise music. These can help us refocus us from dwelling on our problems and perceived unfairness to thoughts of thanksgiving and encouragement. No doubt, these would be way better than listening to the news, for someone who is lonely.
- Involve yourself in your local church fellowship as possible. Seek to serve and minister to others, “stimulate one another to love and good deeds …” (Hebrews 10:24-25).
- If you are in a place where you can’t be around other people (or even if you are), pray for them, even the ones you don’t have good relationships with. You can even let them know you are doing that. Most people appreciate being thought about and prayed for. And even if that is all someone can do, it is a great way to “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, …” (Colossians 3:12).
- If you are still holding something against others, forgive them. This so critical, because the feelings of loneliness can be tied to what you might think is unfair treatment from another person, or being ignored by them. Self-Confrontation Lesson 12 is all about what it means to forgive and be reconciled with another person.
- Practice the “one-anothers,” as much as you are physically able, and for some of them, you don’t even need to be physically present. But don’t do it with the expectation of reciprocation by others, because that may not happen, and we “do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father” (Colossians 3:17).
- If you are able, consider volunteering for a mission organization in your area, or maybe even a hospital that has places for volunteers. When I go the blood bank on my designated Fridays, Wayne, a slightly disabled veteran, is always there greeting people and lending a hand with snacks.
- Keep yourself busy in various ways, as you are able, with work around the house, reading a book, etc. – keep your mind engaged.
The temptation we often have is to let loneliness debilitate us when the Lord wants to use us in the lives of others while we are this side of heaven. It is still possible that He can use us, even if we have physical limitations. If we have feelings of loneliness, it is not a time to withdraw, but to seek ways to practice the “one anothers” in whatever way we are physically able.
And for those of us who can be more active, we should be on the spiritual lookout for those who spend more time alone, and who could probably use some encouragement – a phone call, a note, a visit, a trip to the grocery store. This is the body of Christ in action. May we prayerfully seek God’s direction as we minister to our church bodies and within our communities.
Steve Smith